Dying to be alive v. 2.0


The precious poisons enter my veins
Because the lady wearing a cream colored suit
Sitting in the white leather chair
In her monochrome office on the second floor
Decided that change is what I need

So at night I swallow the little blue pill
And chase it with a gulp of water from the bottle near my bed
Because there are too many capsules to swallow dry
And they make a shaking sound as they squeeze down my throat
When the tiny balls of chemicals hit against the plastic walls
And then back into the mosh pit of amphetamine salts

I’m not supposed to be how I am
I’m expected to wake up at 6 A.M.
But I turn my alarm off in my sleep
And then I’m late to school
Where they don’t know what to do with me.
They get mad at the pins on my skirt
And don’t want me to stand out in the crowd
So they ban my favorite combat boots
With their black leather, lace up appeal
And the hard-ass steel toes.

When the last chime sounds at 2:45
And I race out the door
Of wherever I am
and I get to the gate as fast as I can
and wait for my mother behind the lines
that I’m told prevent me from being killed
because the moms in their minivans and too-big SUVs can’t see me;
I’m only 6 feet tall, after all.

And then, when I get home it feels just like school
I’m trapped in a room, where I don’t want to be
Doing the work I’m told I have to do
Pretending to pay attention
And trying to keep from catching myself asleep on my desk
But eventually, I finish the work I have to turn in
And I get the chance to think about reality

The thinking is what gets me in trouble
When reality refuses to be ignored
And somehow my life flips upside down
And being bored suddenly becomes an improvement
To the resentment toward myself
And it’s all I can do not to dig too deep into my arm

But the X-acto blade is tempting
And the pink and clear plastic handle looks like candy
And it carves in farther than I thought it would
But that’s what makes my endorphins rush
Better than my stupid Zoloft
And I love to see the blood flow out of my pale white skin

And when I start to calm
I crash head first into the floor
And I don’t know how to fix what I’ve done

So I pretend I’m not that girl
Slashing her wrists and gashing her thighs
And telling herself those ridiculous lies
About how she’ll get better
If she just remembers to take her pills
And how much better she’s getting
With the intensive therapy

But my therapy isn’t working
And I’m not any better tonight
And the Zoloft isn’t cooperating
Because the stupid prescription wasn’t enough

But I keep pretending that I like it like this
With my head in my hands
And the blood from my wrists
Mixing with tears and staining my shirt

I try to ignore the girl under the blankets
Who’s gasping for breath
I’ll ignore her pleas for help
I’ll try and shut her out
I’ll pretend not to hear her screams
That gives me goose-bumpy chicken skin
When she grabs at her arms
And pokes at her eyes
And scratches her skin ‘til it’s purply-pink
But doesn’t stop to think about the consequences
Until it’s too late
And it’s obvious how much she despises herself
So obvious that she can’t even tell people a lie
But the strangers and friends won’t stick around too long
Because that’s not the kind of thing that they want to see

They don’t care what’s underneath
Her scarred skin that’s white like porcelain
And battered like steel
That doesn’t quite look like it’s real
More like it’s from a makeup bag
From a Hollywood FX studio

But it’s real

And she’s earned every scab.

Surprise Party

How much do you hate her?
I bet I hate her more
'Cuz you don't understand her
You don’t know what’s in store

You don't understand:
She lies
About all the fucked up things inside her head
You don't understand:
She dies from the inside,
From self-inflicted wounds
And passive-aggressive suicide
And as she lies on the bathroom floor
Trying to stop the thoughts she’s had before
She remembers how you made her cry
And of all the ways you make her die
She knows that it’s all said and done
And she knows that she can’t find a gun
But she can take all the fucking pills
That they give her when she’s mentally ill
And she thinks of the ways she’s dead inside
But gives up again and starts to cry

She would do anything
To make the world stop turning
She would do anything
To make her hate stop burning
And the constant stream of terror that lurks within
How she lost all hope, and any chance to win
But she doesn’t know how she got this way
And she doesn’t want any games to play
And she doesn’t want to mess with her head
She would much rather go to bed
And lie under the covers
And ignore all the other
Voices in her head
And just pretend she’s dead

She doesn't understand you either
I can tell you that
She doesn't understand
Why you think she's perfect,
Why would you think that?
She knows that there’s no such thing
And she’s a vicious bitch,
Not a perfect being
And deep inside, there’s a painful itch
That can’t be ignored
Like it was before
And there’s no turning back,
The itch can’t be scratched

I can tell you one thing more
About this girl that we both hate:
She doesn't believe she's meant to live,
She thinks this is her fate.
She doesn’t' know what love means
Or what it's like to care
Her heart is too deformed
From all the wear and tear
And she’s tired on the inside
From all the fights with herself
And all those times she lied
The dozens of times she was put back on the shelf

You may wonder
How I know so much about this girl that I despise
I could tell you
She used to be a friend,
And it wouldn't be a lie
But the real reason
I see what's going on underneath
This girl I hate so much...

The girl I hate is me.

Melting

Ana sits in front of her mirror
Thinking about what lurks within
The dominating reign of terror
The unbearable desire to be thin

The vulgar monster
Twisting inside
The way he skulks, and taunts her
Forces her to try and die,
Makes her want to change her name
Turn away from who she is
Feelings inside question how she plays the game
And the overwhelming shame
That chooses if she’ll stay the same

She sees only darkness
Soul shattering, opaque
Blackness, everywhere
Pervading.
The devastating sense of sadness
The insistent feeling she can’t shake
There’s no way out for Ana
Only more ways in
As much as she tries to fight it
She just keeps giving in

She sees a different reflection
From what we see in her
She sees layers of padding
Covering her pretty face
Never melting
Never fading
Always staying in their place

How can she face the kids at school,
When she can't face herself
And every ounce of joy she feels
Gets pushed back on the shelf

We see a little girl
Bones protruding, skin stretched tight
A little girl; too fragile to handle
A victim who goes to battle
But is losing the ruthless fight
And the fury inside makes her heart ignite
Her thoughts are in a throbbing jumble
Like her feelings of pain, and sorrow
As they pour into her heart like a funnel
They never cease to overwhelm
And make her head spin
Succeeded in convincing her that she can’t win

As much as we try to help her
See what she really is
There is no way to rid her
Of the violence that’s within
And the evil she lets win
Because we'll never know
What it's like for her
And she tries to understand for herself
All the feelings she can’t squelch
But she doesn’t want more: that’s what she says
The question remains,
How many times she’ll say it before she ends up dead
‘cause she won’t show us her pain
And even though she wants it gone
She just can't let it go

Not Another

Look at the sheets
stained crimson red
from the heart that stopped beating
and the girl that ended up dead

look at the streaks of grey
that come from her eye makeup tears
remember that she was afraid
understand she couldn't handle the fear

look at her wrists
disrupted by the brutal slash
that took her life from the anguish
with that single soul crushing gash

look at the people around her
even though there aren't any
they didn't think she was bitter
as for problems, they didn't think she had many

look at the pain in her eyes
frozen open in her lifeless stare
feel the pain and hopelessness she felt
because she thought nobody fucking cared

look for the razor
fallen from her pallid hand
when she couldn't hold on anymore
try to understand

look long and hard at the scabs on her arms
they were warning signs
and scars from self-hatred harm
and when you see them, don't pretend to be blind

look at the blankets
tangled around her legs
try and imagine her sadness
wonder about the last thing the said

look for the truth in this meaning
and know that there are no lies
no, you're not dreaming
the girl really has died.